prezzel of passion

Everytime I spend time with my father I feel horrible at the end of the day, sick, angry, helpless to name only a few. There's always headache, my knee hurts like hell and lets not talk about my the region close to my heart... My head is spinning and I can't sleep until I am totally exhausted in the morning.
The easiest thing to stop this torture would be to break up any contact whatsoever but this is not really possible. My brother would still be in contact with him but that's not the real reason. I know that he would blame my mother for my decision and that's just the last thing she needs right now. Does this make any sense? Not really but then again is he thinking in any logical way? Not at all.
Another possibility would be to tell him how I feel. Then again this is exactly what he wants. And the only comfort I have right now is that it is torturous for him to not know what I am thinking. Ok I know this is lacking logical reasons as well but it's the only weapon I've got.
It's not as if he is hurting me in any physical way. He never did and will never dare. It's more his words and actions. It eats me up inside. It's not even what he still does, sometimes it's mostly the things he has done. Everytime I am around him I can't help but try to figure out what I feel for him. I guess that's what gets me down. There is no respect, none at all. And I know that I will never be able to respect him. Never. There are just things he said that I can't forget and I know that I will never be able to.
Do I care about him? Of course. He is my father and there have been good moments. And I love to think about them. But they always carry the bad moments along with them. The problem is not if I care for him at all but how 'much' I do.
To get this to a point somehow, I don't really care about what he says, feels or does. It's how I feel about him that gets me down. I hope this is not too hard to understand...