prezzel of passion

It's funny how you think you can cope with things when you simply can't. That's one of the things I realized today. I know myself well and I thought I could deal with it but instead I found myself struggling and hurting. One of those painful facts was that I was almost expecting what happened and deep inside I might've even hoped for it. Eventhough what happened may not mean a lot for most of the earth's population, it did mean a lot to me. It taught me a lesson about myself I probably needed to learn.

And again I find myself wondering how being happy can be so painful!? Why do I lose all hope when I realize that I still get my hopes high? It simply confuses me. Everything about it. I tried. Hard! Or didn't I?

I fear I have no power to end this and that there is no fast and easy way to get through it. There is simply no way to forget it, that's what I know for sure. It's not much but at least it's something I can be sure of! That helps,a little, eventhough those aren't too good news. I don't know how others feel about such things, since I know I have a tendency to overreact but does it maybe hurt for others as bad as it does for me? And as long as it does with me? Or am I really "the only one who ever felt this way"? But I guess this world is way too big for such a thing!
Or is it?


"You never seem to wonder, how much you make me suffer...."
- Sugababes

After a few days without some proper sleep and 2 nights of no sleep I've really learned to appreciate a good nights sleep. And eventhough I am able to sleep again, thanks to some herbs, I am still concerned about what caused the problems. I stopped drinking coffeine and ate supper earlier that usual to see if those two had caused the problem but the slepplessness continued. In order to be extremely tired I did sports, which caused me to be extremely tired in the evening but didn't stop me from lying awake half of the night. I opened and closed the windows, turned the heating on and off and the television as well. But nothing really did the job so mostly I fell asleep at 6 or 7 o'clock in the morning. The soft purring of my cat was comforting but as she fell asleep I was still wide awake.
But there's another option, the most common one: thoughts. I know I am a thoughtful person, I keep thinking things over and over again. Until every thought becomes completely absurd.... but I can't remember having anything particular on my mind that night, or can I? And if this is really the problem how can I get rid of it? How can I get my mind off things? Because in all these years I haven't found a way. Maybe I should try throwing stones down a hill as well.... but there are some problems you can't just simply toss off your shoulders. There are things you need to think about, eventhough this might slowly take all your rest. Lets just hope it's over soon. Lets hope that there's a way to turn our thoughts off.....

In this exact moment I should rather be writing my essay which is due tomorrow. However I can't find the motivation to continue writing it. (It's supposed to be 7 pages long and I only have half a page) But do I bother? Nope. And that exactly fits my situation over the past months. I simply don't care. At least not about University. It probably started when I had a fight with one of our teachers. I guess that was the moment my motivation ran into another direction and left me for at least more than a while.
After all I thought if I would put myself under pressure (like startin the essay today) I would get all nervous and motivated.... nice try though! Well at least I started writing it....
Lets face it the only thing about University that I'm looking forward to at the moment is my year abroad. And that is actually one topic I am horribly nervous and excited about. I don't know when, where and how to apply and if everything turns out fine. And what with all the costs?

But I really should be going now.... At least if I want to finish this essay until tomorrow....